Second Place is Just a Fancy Phrase for Losing...

It's always depressing when you realize that everyone is better than you at something. I'm not referring to something in a general sense since I know exactly what that something is. Writing.
I read my friend's blogs (most of which are not hosted by Google) and am almost always envious of their writing abilities.

It is obvious that society is always telling us that we should not be envious others but rather we are to be grateful for our own abilities. This belief has been force fed to us not only by religion and our parents, but is also a prevalent motif in many movies and television shows. Sure it is easy to believe that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, quite the pessimistic view in my opinion, but what if the grass actually is greener? Would you willingly give up any opportunity for "advancement"? NO WAY! If you think about it this way then isn't the "driving fore" for ambition envy? When you stop and look at it from this point of view, you begin to wonder why people are often rewarded for being ambitious, and are ridiculed behind closed doors by their peers for showing envy? Even with all things taken into consideration when given the opportunity our ambition(s) will almost get the better of us. Now I know that some people might disagree that ambition is a byproduct of envy. To you I say, "Why do you strive to achieve your goals?". Sure you might say that you want a better life for your family, to make someone proud, or even something as simple as to make more money. Obviously these are not all possible answers, they just happen to be the ones that are most often given when I ask people this question. For those that want a better life for their family this is clearly a simple case of greener grass. When you were growing up you could always find family that was "better off" than yours and you made them the benchmark for how you want your family to live when you have one. Now this might have been unintentionally but the fact remains that you had your envious moment.
This is why I'm not scared to admit that there are people whom I envy and strive to be better than. When I use better than I don't mean as in a better person, but better at some craft. In the case of this post it happens to be writing.

Even though it was made quite clear to me early on that I will never consider my writing even worthy of being sited in their works, I continue to try and improve. No matter how small the steps are I know that they are steps in the "right direction" and I am satisfied with this to some extent. This desire to be the best at something is what has made my math abilities what they are today. During my freshman year there was a girl competing in a higher division and she would perform quite well on a regular basis. It was near the end of that year that I told myself that I would do as least as well as she did when I got to that division. Sadly I was not able to accomplish this goal. However, my hard work did pay off because the following year I performed much better than she had in that division. By senior year we were teammates which had been something I had looked forward to since freshman year. Well the majority of the year I did better than her but there were times when she beat me. It was these "defeats" that drove me to become better. After reading that you might think that I'm just a jerk who wants to be better than his teammates. Unfortunately, your assumption would not be totally incorrect. I do want to be the best, plain and simple. Basically second place is just a nice way of saying, "of all the people who didn't win, you did the best". Yes quite the perfectionist statement, and no I don't live my life by this mentality. But thanks to the person mentioned earlier I was able to develop a great appreciation for the beauty of mathematics.

When it comes down to it envy can be put towards "good" or "bad" uses. Through our actions we will either be perceived as the jealous self centered conceited jerk or the motivated team player that is loved by all. At the end of the day all that matters is if you will be able to live with the decision you have just made.

To conclude things on a lighter note. I was watching television today and when asked why he cheated in a relationship the man simply responded with, "Competition.If she knows that there are other women then they will try harder to out do the competitors. It's simple economics really. If capitalism can work for the American economy then why shouldn't it also work for my love life?" I only wish I was there to see his girlfriend/fiancée/wife kill him after hearing that excuse.

Don't Give a Damn? Well You Should

Clearly something isn't right. First off I am creating a post at 12:16am, just in case you didn't notice most of my post tend to be between 8pm and 10pm. Secondly my room is actually relatively clean but for some reason I have an irresistible urge to clean.

Everyone has moments in life where everything all comes together or is a pivotal turning point. After speaking with someone who is luckily enough to realize the moment before it is gone. I think this is just what they needed to help them get their life more organized.

During our conversation I began to reminisce of when I used to volunteer just about every weekend. From 8th grade till I graduated high school I would volunteer at the library every Saturday (well the Saturdays that I didn't have MAO or soccer). At the time it didn't seem like I was doing too much; basically I would help clean the kids area, help get books back into circulation, and occasionally help with the computers. The time there usually tended to be the most relaxing part of my weekend. The work environment was very casual, I didn't even know my supervisor's sir name until I needed her to sign some forms for me during my senior year. Also I had some time away from my family so I would have quiet time to think about whatever I chose to during my break. Finding a quiet place in a house with six people is just near impossible. It was not until end of junior year/beginning of senior year that I realized just how much I was appreciated by the library staff. Now that I think about it I am kind of oblivious to how much I mean to people. Recently, well about a month ago, I knew that I was good friends with someone but it wasn't until I read their birthday card that I was made aware of just how much I meant to them and visa-versa.


I know that I have gone way off topic but that doesn't matter. The main point is that after talking to them it made me realize even more just how lucky I am. My parents made it so that I never really had to worry about money while I was growing up (sure I never had an allowance but I did have a bank account...that wasn't accessible). Then you look at kids who have to work and you wish that there was some way you could help them. In my experience kids that work while in high school (during the school year) can be partitioned into two groups. Now I know some of you might disagree but o well. There are those that work because they have to in order to help provide for their family, and then there are those who are doing it just so that they can have money that they can spend with out mom and dad knowing. The ones that work out of a need make me thankful for the lifestyle my parents have allowed me to live. The latter just bother me for some a variety of reason, but I'm not going to get into it here. However, I will say that they need to get their priorities in the right order.





If you don't get it yet then let me spell it out. The car above (Ferrari Enzo) is something I would like to own one day but I know it will not make my life any better or me any happier.

Happy Hour Has Been Extended to Happy Week

This has been one of the best weeks I have had for some time. Possibly one of the best weeks in my entire life.

Finally started working at Buchholz. Their summer practices are much different than the ones they held in the spring. I wish that I had been there in the fall just to see what they did then. Back to the topic; for some reason I was surprised at just how "structured" their summer practices were. Really I should have expected this since I was there in the spring and got a feel of how they operated. After seeing just how serious they were with practice (but they still manage to have fun) it is clear why they are the best Mu Alpha Theta team in Florida. Chiles "practices" were fun but very rarely would any productive work be done. Looking back at it now makes me wonder just exactly how did we manage to become any good. Anyway, back to Buchholz. I work with the precalculus group. I almost never have to explain how to do a problem. Great group of kids, unlike some practices for Chiles, if there is a problem they don't understand they aren't afraid to say so and ask for an explanation, instead of just hoping they will never see any problems like that ever again.

Well my friend came back from her trip to the Bahamas. So I had another person to talk to online while I procrastinated. Well after talking to her about her vacation for a while I put her back to "use". Ok that doesn't sound to nice so let me elaborate. She the person I usually go to when I have to make major nonacademic decisions. Even if the advice isn't always helpful it will at least give me a new way to look at the situation. But I would like to thank he for helping me with the last thing I asked her.

June 7, 2007. You have no idea how hard it was for me to say that. Mainly the last part, but am glad I did.

Friday was crazy. First off I had an insanely easy Linear Algebra exam. I am expecting either somewhere between 78 and 80 point out of the possible 80. Then my assistance was needed at Buchholz so headed out there. Upon my arrival I found a pleasant surprise, BRENT HO! Sadly, we couldn't ever decide upon a song for our "spontaneous" outbreak of song and dance. Later in the day Trina and I played pool before Ryan, Jeremy, and Jarred arrived. The usual "what should we do now?" conversation ensued and lasted about an hour. Eventually we headed back to Jeremy and Jarred's apartment and played some games and watched White Noise. I got back home around 4:10a.m. at which time I stumbled into bed and forced myself to sleep.

Four hours and five minuets later I was awaken by my alarm. Laid awake in my bed for about ten minuets before reaching for my phone. Well I woke up the person on the receiving end, which was alright because they were expecting me to wake them up that way. Spent the next 57 minuets talking to them (don't ask me how since to me it seemed like thirty minuets max). About an hour later I realized that my phone had not been charged for some time and that recent call almost killed my battery...whoops.

Well off to bed, parents are going to be here to pick up some stuff early (6am early) tomorrow morning.

An Empty World

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had not met some of your closest friends? Well personally I try to avoid thinking about this because I realize if I had not met them then I would have found someone else to "replace" them. However, I do sometimes think about what I would do if one of my close friends were to no longer be part of my life. Well I'm going to experience something like that in the near future. Two of my closest friends are going to on "vacation" for some time. Actually, they won't be gone that long but to me it will seem like forever since I literally talk to then every day. I guess I could call them but I would find it hard to actually do since I for some reason would feel like I was interrupting their fun. Later on I should discuss this with them before they leave.

Recently I have been having dreams, the kind you have when you fall asleep. So far most of them have been quite dull and only worth sharing with one person. Then there are those that would make interesting movies and/or books. Even these I only share with that one person, and I am sure that they know not to openly share them with others. Really none of these dreams are personal in the slightest but I still would rather not talk about them.

I start working Monday, and am quite anxious to start. If you know what the job is then you should be able to understand why I feel this way. For those of you that really have no idea what I am talking about then there is probably a very good reason you do no know, but if you feel as if you should know then just ask me and I will fill you in depending on whether or not I judge you to be knowledge worthy.

From my last post one of my friends pointed out that for some reason I used more stream of consciousness that I usually had in the past. Odd but after comparing it to some older post I realized that they were right. Heck even this post is like that in a similar sense.

Well I have to get back to studying.

Today...WTF!

Well woke up around 7:00am and just laid in bed till 9am or 10am. Returned a missed phone call from the previous night. I am not really at liberty to disclose many of the details but I will say that it and eye opener in some respects. After having breakfast (well I guess brunch would be the accurate title but I always just call my first meal of the day breakfast unless it comes after 2:00pm) I checked the answers to the problem set I had done the previous day. Gladly not too many questions were missed and of those I missed many were because of stupid division or subtraction mistakes. There was the occasional question where I had no idea how to proceed so I need to go back and try solving them again to make sure that I understand what is going on. Not too much excitement took place for the next few hours. Around 12:30pm I started to get hungry, but sadly realized that there really wasn't any food in the apartment. Really I had food but I didn't have anything that I was excited about eating. I ended up walking to Publix, which is only about ten minuets away. Once I got back I decided to cook the raw meat right away; mainly because there wasn't enough space in the refrigerator. While cooking I turned on the television and went thought my usual channel check. It turned out that Comedy Central was playing Office Space, since I have only heard good things about this movie I decided it would be worth while to watch.
Overall today was no to interesting or fulfilling after that "early" morning phone conversation.
After typing that I got to thinking about my phone usage. I don't really call that many people. Even when I call home I for some reason choose to call my sister before resorting to calling the house phone. Then the person whom I call the most isn't the person who I spend the most time on the phone with, and I find this strange for some reason. Normally when I am on the phone I usually have a reason for calling the person and try to get to that reason as soon as possible. There is however, one person who I speak to and somehow manage to have interesting and sometimes pointless conversations (average length of 20min). We usually only call each other about once or twice every two months. I know you might be saying this is why we talk for so long but that's not why. We talk almost regularly online thanks to various instant messaging providers.
I don't know but for some reason I feel stressed and angry. I have no reason to be stressed really. There are no projects or assignments I have not done nor are there any imminent appointments which I must attend. Actually my life is pretty dull and predictable right now, and for some reason this is causing me to stress. Now the "anger problem" I can identify where it comes from but I can't actually explain why it makes me mad. One source is the cable news stations. I guess it's because every time I tune in it is either something on the war or about some celebrity. Really, is there nothing going on in this country that is more important than the 10 people that were killed in the last few days and Lindsey Lohan's possible DUI charges? Another thing that makes me mentally scream is the lack of creativity in naming new products. Take for instance this new software that Facebook uses called "iLike" or Google's personalized homepage which is called "iGoogle". Now I am not a big fan of Apple but I can imagine that they are not too happy about this. I have no problem with Apple doing this for all of their music products since they are the one that came up with the theme, but other people just mimicking this naming style just makes me sick. Why would you name your product in such a manner so that when people use it they either assume you are affiliated with Apple or they think of other Apple products? I am not saying that I am the best person for naming new products but I am pretty sure I can do a better job than "i____". Really Google come on you have been pretty good at naming products in the past (Gmail, GoogleTalk, Orkut) why resort to iGoogle? Here is an "original" idea, how about making iGoogle GMatrix (of G-Ray). I'm pretty sure that people know what an array is. If you (the reader) doesn't then let me explain in a layman's terms. An array is something computer programmers use to store and receive information from. Basically this is what iGoogle is used for. Basically you choose what applications you want and they each present you with a different bit of information. [A matrix is basically an array if you were wondering]

...And Tomorrow I Rest

So I just realized that I need to really work on my basic math. I was working through a probability text book and missed a few problems, not because I did not understand the material but rather because I had made a stupid subtraction error. This mostly happens when I have to evaluate definite integrals. Really I don't have a problem with integrals (I find integration more interesting than differentiation but that is not the point), I just do not like having to actually plug in the limits to evaluate them. The main reason is because I sometimes make a mistake with the subtraction and this throws off the whole answer. Really I guess I just need to be more observant.
I finished reading and working through the book "Probability for Risk Management" a few days ago. In my personal opinion it is a good introductory book since the problems are not all that difficult and the authors do an excellent job at explaining the material. The hardest part for me was having to just accept some of the formulas on faith. I have just gotten accustomed to reading math books a theorem is stated and in the ensuing lines there is a proof. However, even though they did not provide proofs for every formula they did site other works where one might learn more about the particular topic and most likely find a proof.
Currently I am working through the 2005 ACTEX study manual. The first four sections were basically review for me since they covered some set theory and counting principles. The set theory stuff was mostly intuitive while the counting stuff was easy since I have been doing it since junior year of high school (and the problems I encounter then were much harder than the ones in the book). I did however, manage to get to challenging material. I even looked at a few of the practice exam problems to get a hint of exactly what I am in for. I think that was the biggest reality shock/ego killer I have had this year. Looking back on it I am relieved that I did that, so now I know just how much of a joke the exam isn't.
Linear is going smoothly. Honestly I don't see why people are always telling me it is so horrible. We just finished chapter 1 in class and none of the material was really taxing. I am about half way through chapter 2 and still nothing too bad. Right now I am contemplating if I should actually even take the number theory class in the fall. If I don't I will take Advanced Calculus 1 instead. I have arguments for whether or not I should take either class. However, there is no way I will take them both because one alone will be enough work since I have not taken the Intro. Number Theory class and from a reliable source and a few professors the Adv. Calc. is hard and time consuming. O well I am sure I will think of something by the time I need to make a decision.

My Busy Body...

The one week break between the spring and summer semesters was amazing. I'm not going to go into exactly what I did because that is not the purpose of this post (if you really want to know then ask me on AIM or GoogleTalk). However, I will say that both Fridays were amazing.
This summer I am only taking one class (Linear Algebra). Even though this might seem like a light load I will not have too much free time since I will also be studying for my first actuary exam. It is recommended that you spend 100 hours studying for every hour of the exam (the one I will be taking is 3 hours and in August). Sure this might seem like unnecessary amounts of studying but if you knew just how hard these exams are then you would understand. Also I start working with some high school kids on June 4th.
So far the studying for the actuary exam is going alright. I am currently working through Probability for Risk Management by Hassett and Stewart. I am working at a rate of one or two chapters per day for Monday thru Friday and then spend the weekends to review what I covered that week. Currently I have finished six chapters. The only problem I have is matching the formula for the variance with each probability distribution. I can easily derive most of the formulas but during the exam I would not want to waste time doing this. Chapter 7 starts talking about continuous random variables so instead of starting this I think I'll spend Friday and the weekend going back over the first 6 chapters. So far most of the material is familiar from AP Statistics and probability problems from math contest so I have not run into much completely new material. If all goes as planned, during June, July, and August I shall be working through a study book or two and taking practice exams from the internet, hopefully I will be prepared in time.
In regards to the class I am taking; I have heard mixed reviews from past students. Most of them say that it is hard and almost made them hate math. However, others [who I would say have a mathematical background similar to my own] have claimed that the class was not that bad. So far it looks as if the class will be manageable if I try to stay about a section or two ahead of the class.
Well time to get back to work.